“The Cheek” is a work of fan fiction I wrote based on a Seinfeld spec script I wrote as an episode of the show back in 1995.
In this story, Jerry overdresses for a date based on a comment from his nemesis Newman…
Elaine tries various ways to get rid of a man who doesn’t understand she’s not interested in him…..
George doesn’t want to go home because his parents are staying with him…
And Kramer needs someone to pose for him so he can paint their portrait for an amateur art exhibit at the Met…
Here’s how everything starts off for our characters:
Inside Tim’s Car
It’s night. Elaine sits in the passenger’s seat of Tim’s car that has stopped at the curb outside of her apartment building.
Tim is an extremely handsome man whose interest in Elaine is very obvious. Elaine however looks out the window and is eager for this date to be over.
TIM: I really had a great time tonight, Elaine.
ELAINE: Uh…yeah.
TIM: I hope we can go out again sometime soon.
ELAINE: I’ll give you a call.
Elaine pulls the door handle to get out but the door doesn’t open.
Tim moves in for a kiss good night. Elaine fumbles with the lock, but can’t get it open.
Tim is now close enough to kiss her. Elaine slides away from him. Her head hits the window. She still can’t get the door open.
Tim’s lips are only a few inches from hers. Elaine is trapped. Tim puckers up and is about to kiss Elaine when she turns away from him, giving him her cheek to kiss instead of her lips.
Tim reaches up, puts two fingers under Elaine’s chin, and slowly turns her face back so she’s looking directly at him. Tim kisses Elaine fully on the mouth.
Monk’s Restaurant
The next day. Jerry sits in a booth of the coffee shop having tea with Elaine.
JERRY: You gave him the cheek and he still kissed you?
ELAINE: Can you believe that? I’ve never had a guy do that to me before.
JERRY: I don’t think Ripley would believe it. I can’t even imagine kissing a woman who gave me the cheek.
ELAINE: Then why’d he kiss me, Jerry? Why?
JERRY: Maybe he doesn’t understand the meaning of the cheek.
ELAINE: Who doesn’t understand what the cheek means?
JERRY: Obviously this guy Tim doesn’t.
ELAINE: Well, he’ll learn when I don’t call him this week.
JERRY: And why would he be expecting a phone call from you?
ELAINE: Because I told him I would call.
JERRY: After the cheek incident you still told him you’d call?
ELAINE: No. That was pre-cheek.
JERRY: Wait a minute. Why would you give any man the cheek if you were actually planning on calling him?
ELAINE: I never said I was planning on calling.
JERRY: No. You said you would call him.
ELAINE: Yeah, but I was still planning to brush him off.
JERRY: But if you were giving him the brush off, why would you say you’re going to call him?
ELAINE: Tim’s a really nice guy, Jerry. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
JERRY: Let’s dissect that statement, shall we? You don’t want to go out with Tim again, but you also don’t want to hurt his feelings. So you tell him you’ll call him without any intention of actually dialing his number because you don’t want to hurt his feelings.
ELAINE: That pretty much sums it up.
JERRY: Have you considered that by giving him the brush off and not calling, that you could be inflicting more emotional pain than if you’d just been honest with him about not wanting to go out with him again?
ELAINE: Oh, come on. You know as well as I do Jerry that guys can’t handle straight out rejection.
JERRY: No, we want women to be honest with us.
ELAINE: Yeah right. You expect me to believe you want women to be honest with you when they don’t want to go out with you?
JERRY: Yes, I want the truth.
ELAINE: You can’t handle the truth.
JERRY: Oh, I can handle the truth.
ELAINE: Only if it’s good truth.
JERRY: Good truth, bad truth, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s still the truth.
ELAINE: Then let’s test that out, Jerome.
JERRY: Test away.
ELAINE: I’ve never told you this, but I really like Bania’s act.
JERRY: That’s not truth! That’s a psychotic delusion!
George’s Apartment
Suitcases are open all over the living room. George stands there very uncomfortable. His mother Estelle sits on the sofa thumbing through the TV Guide.
ESTELLE: Thank you for letting us stay with you, George. You’re a good son.
GEORGE: How long did they say until you’d be able to move back into the house?
ESTELLE: Two weeks. They have to pull out everything that was damaged when that water pipe exploded and let everything dry out before they can put the new things in.
GEORGE (in pain): Two weeks?
ESTELLE: Three at most.
George’s father, Frank, enters from the kitchen. He has his usual look of scorn on his face and is holding something behind his back.
FRANK: George, I just came across something very disturbing in your kitchen.
ESTELLE: It wasn’t a Glamour magazine, was it?
GEORGE: Ma!
FRANK: Oh, no. It’s much worse.
ESTELLE: A Playboy?!
FRANK: I wish, but no. I found this in your refrigerator!
Frank brings his hand out from behind his back. He’s holding up a jar of Jif peanut butter.
GEORGE: Dad, it’s peanut butter.
FRANK: I’m not an idiot. I know it’s peanut butter. But what is it doing in your refrigerator?
GEORGE: It’s where I keep it.
Frank crosses to George and pops him in the forehead with the palm of his hand.
FRANK: Peanut butter does not need to be kept in the refrigerator. It belongs in the pantry.
GEORGE: Well I keep mine in the refrigerator.
ESTELLE: Peanut butter doesn’t need to be kept cold.
GEORGE: I know that.
FRANK: Then why would you keep it there?
GEORGE: It’s where I keep it, that’s why.
FRANK: What in the hell is wrong with you?
ESTELLE: It’s his apartment. What do you care where he keeps his peanut butter?
FRANK: Because it’s a waste of electricity!
GEORGE: The refrigerator uses the same amount of electricity whether it’s full of food or empty.
FRANK: Don’t tell me how refrigerators work. I know how they work.
GEORGE: Obviously not.
ESTELLE: Don’t talk back to your father.
FRANK: I’m putting in the pantry and that’s where you’re going to keep it from now on.
Frank goes back into the kitchen with the peanut butter jar.
GEORGE: I’ve gotta get out of here.
George turns and grabs his coat off the rack.
ESTELLE: Where are you going?
GEORGE: To Jerry’s.
ESTELLE: How long will you be gone?
GEORGE: Two weeks. Three at tops.
If you’ve enjoyed the story so far, you can download “The Cheek” for free by tapping this link.
And please, let me know what you think of my contribution to the world of Seinfeld.